The Surprising Opportunities To Grow Spiritually At The ‘End Of Your Rope’
“Danger And Opportunity Are Dangling At The End Of Your Rope”
- March 3, 2023, Katrina McHyde
Have you ever encountered a situation that has you at the end of your rope? I mean, do you just get to a point of feeling fed up and finished with something or someone? To those who nod their heads strongly in affirmation, you are my tribe. LOL.
Being at the end of my rope happens less often as I keep working on my own internal issues. But, when I find myself dangling veeeerry close to the bottom of my emotional rope, I know it is time to get ‘busy’ at slowing down and figuring out why I am so worked up. Somehow, I have chosen to get to the end of my rope. I blame no one else for my view at the end of the rope because no matter what they have done or said, I chose to get upset all by myself. I own it all!
Laugh At Or With Me!
There is a really small and silly matter that has come up in the last month and a half that got me to a point of being fed up enough to want to put a line in the sand, or if you will, a line near the end of my rope. You will probably laugh at me (with me-I’m already laughing) when I share this small matter:
About a month and a half ago, Zachary, my special needs 28-year-old son, came home with a dirty plastic bowl from the special needs center he goes to during the day on weekdays. Yeah, I got irritated at just one day of a dirty bowl coming home. I even roll my eyes at myself at how such small things can trigger something bigger inside.
When I saw that dirty bowl, my emotions started talking to my head. It said something like this- “What happened? This bowl has always come home cleaned and ready for me to put a new breakfast in it for the next day. This has happened for years. How many years has it been this way? Let’s see- like six years. This is not normal. I wonder what is happening. I don’t like this. I’m a bit irritated. Okay, let’s see what happens tomorrow.”
And, of course, the next day, the bowl returned unwashed. Aha! I have a pattern.
For most of my life, little things like this did not fluster me a bit. I was super used to people deciding they did not want to do something and then just picking up the task myself without questions and pushing forward with juuuust one more little thing to do. It’s just a little thing anyway.
For some reason, my emotions on this new ‘one little thing’ of cleaning a bowl decided to be not ok to take on the task. This was a new emotional response that I am not used to. Somehow this was not just one more little thing to do.
Clueless At The End of My Rope
What was happening to me? Why was I irritated? It’s not like I am entitled to having that bowl washed by anyone just because it has been done for so long. It was time to slow down and really listen to what my instincts were trying to tell my head. At that moment, my noggin seemed to be playing stupid to my emotions. I was clueless.
When I have a detachment of understanding between my head and emotions, it is my cue to go pray first and just feel whatever I feel with God there, even if I don’t have words yet for what is wrong. This action at least calms me down enough to get the head and heart reconnected by having a singular focus on God being with me. It reminds me that I am not alone. God will give me all the answers I need. He will hold my hand and be there for me as I resolve this situation. It is such a HUGE relief to both my head and heart to remember that God loves me, will never leave me alone, and will help me with any situation if I ask Him to help.
I would love to tell you that the answers I seek always come right away when I sit down to pray, but I would be lying if I said it. But at minimum, my emotions feel heard by myself and by God, even if they can’t quite get the words to shoot into my head so that I know what is happening.
In this instance, with the bowl, I had to walk forward, at least knowing that I was listening to find out what I was trying to tell myself. The dirty bowl would continue to irritate me until it pushed the message through to me.
Ignored?
I asked by email three times for the bowl to be washed by my son at the center before being put into my son’s backpack. The first two emails were not responded to for some reason. And, of course, this made me wonder why. This is where the danger lies at the end of my rope… My head and heart try to make up stories to be offended by these types of situations. If I decide to become offended, I have totally LOST the balancing game of love. The game is to love God, others, and myself in any given situation.
Thankfully, I have trained myself to rein in my head and heart by stopping and thinking. I quickly tell my head and heart that they don’t have enough information to make judgments or conclusions. I also tell my head and heart that since I like people to have patience with me and not assume, it is important to give the same honor to others.
My head and heart listen to this wisdom. They know I have let them run wild in past situations, and everyone has gotten hurt. This has happened enough times that even the possibility of creating that again makes everything cringe in me with the remembrance of pain. This type of rational conversation takes place in me if I just stay slow and calmer. It takes a willingness to listen. And herein lies the gift of opportunity at the end of the rope. Healing can come to at least yourself and possibly others if you do not let that emotional energy run wild. That energy needs to be guided by good wisdom and still allowed to flow and feel what it feels.
The Fight Is Real!
I realized that I was fighting for something that seemed important on some level. But the people who are not cleaning the bowl are fighting for something as well.
I ask myself:
Can I have compassion for their needs and compassion for my own needs?
Can I realize that we are all struggling in this situation?
Am I willing to let go of some control and allow myself to lose or win this battle without getting all bent out of shape or gloating?
Believe me; those three questions are critical to answer in situations where you are at the end of your rope. The last question, particularly of being willing to let go of some control, is super important. That last question hits the bullseye of the whole reason you ended up at the end of the rope in the first place; you felt that whatever is happening is out of your control to some extent.
Sometimes I have to ask myself all three of those questions slowly over and over. I allow my emotions to struggle with those questions. Those emotions go through many ideas and choices in answering each question. So to make sure I come to a more purified answer, I use the focus of the two greatest commandments: will this answer make sure I 1) love God and 2) love my neighbor as myself?
Time To Question Again And Again
So let me give you some examples – I will take the first question – Can I have compassion for others’ needs and my own needs? I will share with you what my mind and heart sound like as it struggles by being asked this question again and again.
‘I don’t want to have compassion on others right now! I am hurting too much, and I just want people to do what I want them to do so that I don’t have so much work!’ I realize this answer will not give me the peace I really want. And peace comes from INSIDE me, not from what someone does or does not do. So the question asked again is”
Can I have compassion for others' needs and my own needs?
‘Ugh! I don’t know what their needs are, but I need ease. So much has changed in my life in the last year, and I have had to take on so many new tasks that I just don’t have the bandwidth to keep adding on just one little thing more! If I take on more, I will burst. I must care for myself to carry what I am already responsible for. That bowl being cleaned was a HUGE gift. I needed it!’
Yay! My emotions finally put into words what was going on inside me! Half of the compassion question has been answered. I can be compassionate with myself right now and realize I am struggling. So I pause and listen compassionately to what my heart needed to express and say. I give it a long emotional hug of comfort inside my soul. And then I open up and let God hug me there too. We linger together for a small while.
Something inside calms down and shifts. I know it’s time to get the second part of the compassion question answered: Can I now have compassion for others’ needs in this situation?
‘Oh sigh…I guess if I can struggle with this stupid bowl, someone else might be struggling with this bowl, too, and I know it does not feel good to struggle. Ok, it’s possibly a struggle for all of us. I acknowledge that this might be the case. I will choose to have compassion for all of us, but I still want that bowl cleaned by my son if possible.’
Wow! My answer just answered the first and the second question just by pausing! I can have compassion on all of us, and I can realize we are all probably struggling in this situation. I got a two for the price of one question answered! I should get bonus points in this game of love. LOL.
This internal answer that covers both questions now runs through the test: Does the answer love God and love my neighbor as myself? Is this a winning answer? Thinking it over, I realize that it is loving God when I am loving my neighbor as myself. I am giving all of us compassion, AND I recognize all of our struggles. I win this part of the game! And now, I can jump to the last question.
Me? Controlling?
Am I willing to let go of some control and allow myself to lose or win this battle without getting all bent out of shape or gloating?
Before I go into sharing my internal dialogue of answering this question, let me give you a tip: This last question is SUPER important because it makes sure you stay out of pride. Both getting bent out of shape if something does not go your way and gloating if you ‘win’ breaks the rules of loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself. You lose the game big time, and you don’t get spiritually stronger and more Christ-like. Trust me; life will make sure to put you back into another situation to try the game again and work on advancing. How many times would you like to do the insane thing of repeating the same mistake over and over and being more frustrated? God has patience. He’ll let you knock yourself out (pun intended😎). I can tell you from personal experience. LOL.
Here comes my internal struggle of answering the question: Am I willing to let go of some control and allow myself to lose or win this battle without getting all bent out of shape or gloating?
This is where my insides are squirming inside myself from the intense light of this question. There are creatures of emotions and thoughts scurrying around to try to survive or adjust by avoiding the light. Some part of me is slightly laughing at myself for trying to avoid at least part of the question. I realize that if I stay slow and let that question burn its light in me, it will cleanse out those little creatures. That means I will receive a healing of more freedom and peace from the cleansing!
Those creatures of emotions and thoughts were just made by myself to try and protect myself in some way from overwhelming past experiences. If I want, I can heal from those experiences right now!
The light of the question gives me the opportunity to ‘sacrifice’ those creatures of protection and replace them with faith that God will protect me instead. Since I am a limited human being who is trying to protect myself, and God is an unlimited Being who can protect me better, this is a good ‘trade-in’ offer 😉.
I ask the first part of the question to myself again: Am I willing to give up some control?
‘Okay! I heard the question the first time! Sheesh! (Yeah, there is still a little annoyance to the question in me). Whether to give up control or not is the question. I don’t like giving up control to an invisible God. It takes faith that He will deal with things better than me and help me even though I cannot see or touch Him. Ugh! I’m at a faith choice again. Do I really want to grow faith now or put it off?’....looooooong pause, seriously thinking about what I want to choose.
Do you want to be right or be happy?
‘Where did that thought come from?! That was not from me. I don’t like the light coming from this question intensifying the light of the first question! Ouch!’
Okay, okay, I know there is no healthy happiness that comes from keeping full control to myself. If I try to keep full control, I will act out in controlling and manipulative ways. That’s not love for anyone and does not solve problems in a healthy manner.
Well, I can’t make anyone clean this bowl from a healthy place on my own. So, I guess I need help. Alright, alright…
Dear God, I give up some of my control and ask You to help me get my desire to have Zachary clean his bowl where everyone might win somehow. Or if I lose this little battle, then give me the strength to add on this extra new little task without an attitude. I trust You to guide me.’
Are you sure, Katrina, that whether you win or lose, you will have the proper response of not gloating or sulking/complaining?
‘Ok, Lord, I will love You, myself, and others, whatever the outcome. I give it to You.’
The Test Of Patience And Love Continues
After having prayed about this whole bowl issue, I realized the other reason I had fought for Zach to wash the bowl was so he could learn more independence. Since he moved in with us, we have worked with our hearts to make him more responsible for doing more tasks on his own.
My next step was to write another email asking for the task of the bowl being cleaned so Zachary could learn more independence. A response came back quickly this time. They boldly stated a compromise of teaching Zachary to put the plastic bowl into their dishwasher at the end of every day instead. That would also teach Zachary more independence.
After breathing for a minute, I was even more clear on why this offer was not acceptable for a couple of reasons:
First, as I checked through Zachary’s backpack, I saw his bowl was missing. I need the bowl to make his food in it every day. So, I ended up putting the ingredients into his backpack for them to make his food at the center for the next day so they could really see the problem with that plan.
Second, I had not been clear until this moment that I was instinctually trying to give Zach tasks not only for independence but also for fine motor skills. He has to practice by doing things. That’s the only way.
The last email I sent back clearly shared these reasons for the bowl to be cleaned by him. The bowl so far has been cleaned ever since. I don’t feel like gloating, and I don’t expect either way if the bowl will continue to be cleaned. I do feel like it was an accomplishment to get it cleaned.
Somehow that feeling of accomplishment still felt like I had done something bigger than just get a bowl cleaned.
I considered why it might feel that way for me. It took a few hours of pondering, but I finally realized I was advocating for the best for my son. I want him to have the best chances of learning and success, even being special needs. That’s my heart and my job. But I must advocate for him in a way that does not hurt or take advantage of anyone else as well. This balance can only be found with me cleaning my intentions and heart and also letting go of what happens (aka. faith that God will work it out and not worry about what the outcome is).
End of Rope Opportunities
There are opportunities at the end of your rope to grow spiritually. It can be an uncomfortable place, but take full advantage of it. Go slow. Breathe. Listen to what is happening inside yourself. Then be clear and deliberate that you want to think and act from loving God, yourself, and others (Matthew 22:36-40). If you want further help, definitely read my book Turning Fear Into Faith. It will give you a daily framework to overcome fear in your life. Coming to the end of your rope merely comes from fear in different forms.
Let us make the world a better place together: When we come to the end of our ropes, let’s seize hold tightly to opportunity instead of falling into danger! 💞
Important note: If you would please, bow your head right now and pray with me for the care workers around the world. It is not an easy job, and they are usually not respected and thanked enough. Even a few seconds of prayer together can make a HUGE difference in the lives of the care workers and those they care for!
Thank you, care workers! I love you!
We Are Owned By Love,
Katrina
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