When Wrong Is Right… How A Challenging Situation Became A Blessing

 Thump!...Thump!...Thump!......Thump! My autistic son, Zachary (age 28) has just been woken up at 5 something in the morning to get ready for his special needs center.

Thump!...Thump!..Thump! With every second step, he slams his foot on the floor and makes the whole apartment building vibrate.

To make a long story short, he moved in with my partner and me on Christmas Day of 2022, to be exact. This morning ritual of stomping his feet has happened for three looooong weeks.

Every morning that I have woken up since he moved in, the same emotions come up, and the same internal dialog runs through my rebelliously awakened brain:

“Oh, man! This is such an annoying habit Zach has formed! With each step, he thumps his foot and makes my face cringe! This is not going to help wrinkles stay off of my face as I am aging! 

Oh but more importantly, the neighbors! Oh, shoot! I feel so guilty that their world is being upset by this loud thumping! I don’t want them to be hurt by this noise. I really don’t. How do I make it stop? God help me know how to make it stop!

Zachary, our blessed ‘Thumper Maker’, being helped by York down the steps at 5 something a.m. in the winter morning.

Poor Zach, he has so many bad habits for us to help him break, and we can only go so fast to help him break them. He needs patience, consistency, and love. It just takes time!

And on top of that, he has a crooked back and a foot that was not set by the hospital properly when it was broken as a child. It is obvious that the physical therapy he has at the center is not working. He is so tight that he has less ability to walk. He has definitely gotten worse when he lived away from me. What exactly is going on in therapy? But he used to walk better than this! He can get back to being better with help.

It’s a good thing I was a professional massage therapist years and years ago. I’m going to have to take it upon myself to keep stretching him every weekend and every holiday to help this poor son of mine even be able to stomp less (side note; I have done this religiously for three weeks, and he is slowly getting better). 

It’s a good thing my partner, York, also makes Zach run with him a little every morning. With time that will help him move better. I’m glad my partner values exercise as I do, and he loves Zachary like his own son. Man, what a blessing! He is such a great man!

Oh, I hope I am just being overly paranoid and sensitive, and this stomping is not as loud to my neighbors as it sounds to me! I hope no one complains.

Lord, I’m doing my best here! I feel like I’m in a no-win situation for anyone again! This situation reeks of the many situations during my formative years where I was set up to fail. I always wanted to fix things and make everything work for everyone, but I was always set up to fail.

I feel like I’m in trouble again, and I am going to be punished for something I cannot fix or control. This feeling stinks! What do I do, Lord?

Right, I remember what You have been teaching me, Lord, over many years of situations like this. You quite like for us to be in situations like this because that is when You make the impossible happen. You get the glory!

I’m putting on my spiritual big girl pants: You make all things work for good to those who love you, and I love you (Romans 8:28). 

I have been created in Christ Jesus for good works! (Ephesians 2:10)

You would never call me to do something that You have not given me the tools to carry out in my life. You are not the people in my life who put me in a situation where I had responsibilities without power, authority, or resources to succeed. You never do that! You always give me in abundance what I need to do good work(s) and succeed!

Because I know you have called my partner and me to take care of Zachary for You, then everything must be okay. It does not look like it is okay and it sure does not feel like it, but it must be okay because You are faithful. You have gotten me out of some serious situations over my lifetime. This won’t be any different.

God, being ‘wrong’ right now must be right. Zachary’s stomping must be perfect for all of us experiencing this, including the neighbors. It must be right because this is what is. And this is what You gave us to take care of. There is a way with You, whereas, without You, there is no way.

It might be dramatic thinking, Lord, but this reminds me of the predicament Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego found themselves in with Nebuchadnezzar. There was no way they were going to be right for sure with that king. The fiery furnace was the only right choice. Probable death for making that right choice did not deter them. 

But Lord, there is not even a choice for me to be right with Zachary living anywhere with his stomping. I have no good options that I can see!

Oh, but then there is Moses and the Israelites standing at the Red Sea feeling like they had no choices, just like me. The Israelites complained about having no good options. Moses cried out to You for a way of escape for everyone, and You admonished Moses quite strongly, asking Moses why he was crying out to You. You told Moses to tell the people to go forward, and You showed Moses the power You had supplied in Moses’ staff to part the waters.

Lord, I’m not complaining. I have too many experiences with how that doesn’t work with You.

I remember, Lord, that You provided a way where there was no human way for so many people and so many times!

I find myself in a position where I see no human way to fix my situation by taking care of Your son, Zachary, responsibly under my care. There is no place around here where we could really live except here that would work for his special needs, and we cannot get Zach to be quiet, at least not yet. It’s going to take time.

Make what looks and feels very wrong be right, Lord, to Your glory, just like You did at The Red Sea crossing. Just like You always do in testimony after testimony of Your goodness. Even as You have done for me many times in my own life. Sigh. Amen.”

Patterns of internal communications, such as this one, I believe, plague many fellow humans.

Yeah, I know- I look like I just woke up and I look pregnant. Well, I just woke up and, no, I’m not pregnant. Surprise! Someone knocked on the door while I was ‘au natural’

Everyone loses without God making a way!

“Knock, knock, knock.” Three weeks later, on Sunday morning around 10 a.m., someone decides they want our attention. With Zachary on the toilet, I leave him and answer the door since I am the closest to it.

For privacy’s sake, I will change the person’s name to Pat. It is a name for both males and females, and the lessons in the story are not affected by the change.

As I open the door, Pat, one of our neighbors, is standing there. I am quite happy to see Pat because this neighbor is nice. It’s a single person who I don’t see very often but is always nice when I do.

Pat’s face looks concerned, and I ask what is up.

“The pounding! Oh, I have waited three weeks, but I just can’t handle it anymore! I work from home. The banging at five something in the morning is disturbing my whole sleep schedule and puts me in shock every time I hear another bang.

I moved here because it was a nice building and I pay a lot of money to be here. You have to stop the banging so early in the morning. I just got back not too long ago from a break because of burn-out from work, and I really can’t handle the stress of this banging.”

I am fully available to Pat and listen with much compassion. I feel such emotion of wanting their well-being and wanting to contribute to it.

I also hear a part of me say, “Yep, one of your worst fears has come upon you again (Job 3:25). This person has a totally understandable request that I cannot possibly fulfill. It’s outside my power again, just like many times in my life.” I sigh on the inside, but outwardly I smile with love and wish I could fix it all for everyone. I make a quick internal prayer, “God, I have learned to decide to believe that You make a way where there is no way. You are in charge here. Help me out, please!”

My mouth walks forward and says, “Pat, I am so sorry. I hear how hard this has been for you. I am sad it has hurt you so much.

My 28-year-old son, Zachary, moved in with us three weeks ago, and he has a lot of bad habits that we are trying to break, and we are working as fast as we can to help him do things differently. We don’t like it either, and we truly are trying to get him to change as soon as possible.”

Pat replies with a longing look of wanting it to stop, “Can he live somewhere else? Can you find another home for him?”

My heart and mind are feeling like I am in trouble with no way out, just like I felt in my formative childhood years, but I walk forward into this tough experience and just hope God will come up with the answers.

I ask, “Please, come in. Let’s talk inside where it is warm.” It’s the middle of a snowy winter here in Germany.

Pat shyly responds, “No, thank you. I don’t really want to come in.”

My head and heart start having an internal conversation, “Rats! It is cold at the door, and I want Pat to come in. Pat and I will be warmer. Pat can meet Zach and meet the ‘Thumper Maker.’ My partner, York, can help me comfort Pat. And I left Zach on the toilet alone. He needs attention. Could there be anything else piled on me at the moment to deal with? God, really, I need some help here. I have love for us all, and I know You fix things and give us a way. I am breathing and moving forward the best I can, God.”

I muster up my love and give the answer of why Zach cannot be anywhere else, and I cannot get Zach to stop banging, “His father died, and there is literally no one else to take care of him except me–his mother, and, York–my partner. We tried to get him into a home for special needs people. The home rejected our request. We have to take care of him, and we have nowhere to go.”

Pat, at first, looks shocked and sad about the passing of his father. “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear this!” And then Pat’s face goes back to desperate need, “Please make him stop banging. Please! I can’t handle it!”

I reply with calmness and sincerity, “Pat, I really don’t know how to do that, but I am trying as fast as I can to get it to stop. I really am.”

Pat looks down like a neglected puppy at this point that lost something important, “I guess I will have to call the lady in charge of the apartment buildings and ask for a big discount on my rent. I moved here for comfort, and this is not comfortable.”

I take a slow breath before responding, “I am sorry. This might be something you need to do. I do wish I could change things. I really do.”

Pat responds in a whining, respectful but desperate tone, “Just make him stop.”

I share with enthusiasm and willingness, “Please, come in, and you try to make him stop if you like.” My mind had thought that offering this at least gave power back to Pat, and maybe Pat would find an answer to this problem we are all having by miraculously being inspired and gifted in some way that I am not. It was a loving act of hope.

Pat quickly responds with surprise, “I don’t know how to make him stop. How am I supposed to make him stop!”

Just as excitedly, I share, “I don’t know either! But I want to!”

Pat emotionally just says, “I just want him to stop. I really need him to stop! Please make him stop!”

After a two-second pause, realizing that I have not figured out the code to get through to Pat that we are both stuck in not getting what we want, I decide to be a bit drastic to see if I can jump-start some understanding, “Would you like me to shoot him?” (I don’t own a gun.)

Since Pat’s first language is not English, and although Pat chose to start the whole conversation in English, Pat’s face looks confused, like there must be a misunderstanding in what Pat understood me to have said. With still a look of confusion, Pat asks, “Did you say shoot him like with a gun?”

“Yes, do you see any other ways that I could possibly give you the gift of Zachary not making any more stomping noise? Of course, I don’t mean it at all”, I said in love. “I am just trying to show you that I really don’t know how to make him stop.”

My God-inspired, partner, and blessing of a human being, realized I had been at the door for quite a while as he heard speaking. Plus, the lower half of our apartment became colder from the winter air coming in. He came just at this juncture of our conversation with his kind, strong voice. His kindness and strength at that moment unstuck the flow. He said, “Hi Pat. What is wrong? Please come in where it is warm, and let me hear what is wrong.” I could have kissed him a million times at that moment!

Pat, feeling still quite sad, was now feeling the strong pull to come in from the emotional warmth of my partner and conceded.

My head was partly relieved and partly disturbed by the fact that I still had Zachary on the toilet in the bathroom, who needed help. Thankfully, my partner took care of Pat with an invitation to sit at our dining room table and have some hot tea. I was free to get ‘The Foot Thumper’ off of the toilet with a changed diaper and all clothing put back on his body.

There was kind interaction happening between Pat and York, my partner, while I worked away at my task at hand. When Zachary was decent, we joined them at the table. Pat’s face melted into a smile and genuine compassion for this new human being. Pat’s heart was opened.

My internal praying kicked in, “Ah! Thank you, God, that this meeting of souls is taking place. There is a shift here at this moment. Please help it now to become known how Zachary and his stomping are the perfect gifts to us all. I trust You. How do we love Pat for You? What does Pat need that Pat has been brought into our lives?”

Pat interacts excitedly with Zach and melts into sadness. Giving Pat space to share, it comes out that Pat is very, very lonely. Pat works very hard from home and goes to the gym. That’s all. There are no friends or other activities, although these things are desperately wanted. Pat just does not know how to move forward.

We listen with much love to these new sharings of Pat, and my very intelligent partner asks Pat to come to dinner later. Pat joyfully accepts, and plans are made for what time.

As we walk Pat to the door, my heart is swelling with gratitude to God for showing up and revealing what the gift of Zachary and his stomping is. This is another prime example that I have seen over and over how God works when I started believing that this was the way He works. My heart and mind are in worship for the rest of the day, excited for the dinner with our beautiful neighbor.

I told York after Pat left that Pat was a gift to me. I explained that Pat brought up an old repetitive situation where I felt set up to fail and that I was in trouble. It was exciting to me because it has been my experience that every time an old emotional wound comes up, God helps it heal more and more. As I make a different choice of what I believe is happening in a similar situation of being set up to fail, I have ended up with refreshingly different results: I choose God is healing me, and not that life and people are knocking me down into deeper trauma. This actually heals my past traumas in this area when I get different results and believe I am being healed.

The dinner was spectacular. York made a beautiful meal, and the interaction was a deepened understanding and love for many hours that night. York and I poured into Pat from our combined wisdom of pushing into love and finding answers to peace inside oneself. Pat’s emotional and spiritual malnourishment was being filled up. And York and I were filled with the joy of loving this precious human being. God is freaking amazing!

Not everything is fixed, but I see God’s hand in the situation. Pat still complained to management, and Pat wants the banging to stop. So do we, but I think there is more connection and respect for one another, even with this issue. 

Aaaand for my next balancing act…I get to do gymnastics on the table as I stretch this son of mine so he can walk better and possibly stomp less like a one footed elephant!

What does it all mean?

Being ‘wrong’ can actually be just right to God. What we see as broken, He sees as an opportunity. This is where we get to decide to stay open to seeing God’s abilities reach into our impossibilities. Or we choose to keep doing the same boring things we have always done:  complaining and staying in victimhood, getting mad and taking everything out on others, or going into depression and blaming yourself, … you can probably think of other patterns. Have those long-used ways of dealing with impossible situations really gotten things to be truly fixed well?

Also, people who are difficult to deal with, like Zachary and Pat, are gifts. They teach us things we cannot learn in any other way. When we feel frustrated, and out of control in these situations, we can become bitter, self-righteous, impatient, or offended. OR we can push ourselves into becoming more Christ-like by exercising patience and understanding instead. We get the awesome potential to grow.

My hope is by sharing with you a very real story of my own life, that you, my fellow human, might have new tools to make up a faith story to believe God will turn it all around sooner or later, instead of a victimhood story that nothing ever goes right for you. Either way, you will experience an army on your one side and a Red Sea on your other many times in your life.

Even if things don’t work out the way you want them to after deciding to make up a faith story, that faith story has waaaay more possibilities of being blessed than a complaining, victim story. Truly there is less to lose by going for believing in the goodness of God, even if you can’t prove it.

Go slow when you find yourself in these impossible situations, and take each moment to clearly decide what you want to think instead of letting your natural instincts and emotions do the driving. Stear your internal ship towards the North Star of God and see the wonders He has proposed to do in your life.

This way of thinking that I am sharing got me out of severe depression and hopelessness. It started turning my life around to where I see God show up in crazy ways for my good. Yes, I still have a special needs son that I take care of for our Father, and not everything is perfect. But I get to see God show up over and over again to help me carry out the responsibilities He has given to me. He will do the same thing for you!

May the spiritual salve for your eyes come upon your sight so you may see as God sees and be encouraged in your walk with God! (Revelation 3:18)

We Are Owned By Love,

Katrina

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